This is why you spiral when they don’t text back.

Omg, once I learned about attachment styles, suddenly, things started to make sense.

Avoidant attachment: “I don’t need anyone.”

For a long time, I leaned heavily avoidant. I wore independence like a badge of honour. I prided myself on not needing anyone. I called it self-sufficiency, but deep down, it was fear.

When you grow up believing that vulnerability leads to disappointment, you start to protect yourself from getting close at all. I avoided intimacy not because I didn’t want it, but because I didn’t trust it. There was a belief that people would eventually let me down, so I always pulled away. I’d convince myself I was better off alone. But it wasn’t true, I was just scared.

I started to gently question that fear.
What am I actually afraid will happen if I let someone in?
Have I been hurt before? (Yes.)
Can I survive it if it happens again? (Also yes.)

Disappointment is part of being human. No one can meet all of our needs 100% of the time, and that’s not a failure. That’s reality. What matters is whether we feel safe enough to talk about it. To say, “Hey, I’m scared to get close. But I’m trying.”

Anxious attachment: “Do they even like me?”

At other points in my life, I swung to the opposite side. I became hyper-aware of how people showed up (or didn’t) in my life. If someone didn’t invite me to something or took too long to reply, it’d send me into a spiral: Are they mad at me? Did I do something wrong? Are they pulling away? Do they not like me?

It was exhausting. For them and for me.

But learning about anxious attachment helped me soften that voice in my head. Now, I pause and ask:
“Is this about them, or is this about my fear of abandonment?”
I remind myself that someone doing their own thing doesn’t mean they don’t love me. People have lives. That’s not rejection, it’s reality.

And when those anxious feelings pop up, I don’t shame myself anymore. I listen. I get curious. I ask what I need to feel safe, and then I communicate it.

Secure attachment: “We’re good, even if we’re not together 24/7.”

This is the sweet spot. The balance. I’ve been working toward this for a while. Secure attachment doesn’t mean you never get triggered, it means you know how to navigate it. You know how to trust people without losing yourself. You know how to express your needs without shame.

And most importantly? You understand that not everyone you’re in a relationship with will have the same attachment style as you, and that’s okay. The goal isn’t perfection. It’s awareness. Compassion. Communication.

Healing your attachment style isn’t about fixing yourself, it’s about understanding yourself. And the more you do, the easier it becomes to show up in relationships with honesty, clarity, and softness. You don’t have to figure it all out overnight. Just start by asking questions. Stay curious. And remind yourself that you are worthy of love that feels safe and real.

Because you are.